Ten Things Tuesday: 10 new church ministries

I was sifting through the church’s iStock photo library today looking for pictures that might represent different ministries in our church. With ministry photos in mind, I laughed when I saw a picture of a pineapple. I stated aloud, “I want to be involved in the pineapple ministry.” My co-worker’s daughter asked, “Is that where you just eat pineapple?” I gave her a long explanation of this imaginary ministry’s purpose. I then began to associate each picture with a new church ministry. I would have included the pictures, but I don’t think that would be ethical considering I didn’t purchase them. Here are ten of my favorites:

1. Hug your ethnically ambiguous friend ministry. We have an infinite number of pictures of groups of “friends” hugging and laughing. No two individuals are the same ethnicity, yet none of their features are strong enough to determine what their ethnicities actually are.

2. Run toward the camera ministry. I counted at least five pictures with children and adults running toward the camera with their arms stretched wide. Maybe it’s a photographer appreciation group. I don't know.

3. Pumpkin carving ministry. I think we should have a ministry that carves pumpkins for those who do not have the time or the dexterity to do so themselves. But these wouldn’t be your normal pumpkin carvings. I think it would only be appropriate if lengthy Bible verses were carved into the pumpkins. Not only do we minister to those receiving the pumpkins, but we also ponder a passage of scripture for hours at a time. Very beneficial!

4. Bubble blowing ministry. The kids look cute and have fun, but this ministry serves absolutely no purpose. It just keeps kids busy, and, unfortunately, I think this might actually be a real “ministry” churches fall back on too often.

5. Grass appreciation ministry. People apparently love grass. They roll around in it, sit and stare at it, run and leap in it, or just take pictures of it. These people love the grass that God made, and they aren’t ashamed to let you know it.

6. Cute kids ministry. This ministry is for cute kids only. Requirements: cheesy smile, huge eyes, freckles, and a funky haircut. No ugly kids allowed!

7. Bag of money ministry. I think a lot of churches could get into this ministry. It’s very simple. Bring a bag of money with you every time you come to church. The only requirements are that the bags have a large dollar sign on them and when you leave, the money must stay.

8. Chocoholics Ministry. Once again, like the bubble ministry, I think this might be a fallback ministry. “Hmm…we aren’t sure what we should do for the ladies. I know! Let’s serve chocolate.” There’s this picture of a lady shoving a 12”x6” chocolate bar in her mouth. We might be promoting gluttony with this one!

9. Run sideways support ministry. This might be one of my favorites. This would be a ministry for all of those people who just can’t seem to run in a forward direction. Unfortunately, I think you have to see the picture to appreciate the efforts of the “ministry.”

10. Pineapple Ministry. Just because it made me laugh out loud.